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This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival;
a joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and attend them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows
who violently sweep your house empty
of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honourable.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the same, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each guest has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
We look for solutions in many places,
but where is the solution?
The solution is ............in the human heart.
began by “Wendy” ...............
I’m a woman, divorced after 7 years of marriage. I read your post and
appreciate the heart behind the advice. The fact that you you recognize
the part you played in the scheme of things is a feat in itself. Being
able to face the past with openness and humility is admirable and not
something many can, or even want, to accomplish.
Given my experience, there are some key concepts I learned in my
journey as well. We women have equal responsibility in making a marriage
work. For all the points mentioned for husbands, there are perhaps also
some for wives I would like to share.
1. Seek counsel from older, wiser women who have succeeded in their
marriages. It’s impossible to make good decisions when we’re emotional.
And seeking counsel from your friends who are your own age isn’t as good
as counsel from elderly women.
2. Never forget or take for granted that your man chose you.
3. Always seek out the best in him. Dwell on those things, not what you don't like about him.
4. It’s not your job to change or fix him. We are all on a journey.
5. We are responsible for our reactions, no one else. We must take
full accountability of our emotions and how we respond. And so must he.
6. Allow your man to just be. Be a comfort, be a gentle and giving spirit when the times call for it.
7. Love him in the way he needs it, not the way you assume he needs
it. Find out your different love languages and be sensitive and ready to
show him you love him in ways he understands best.
8. Be present. Give him your time and attention when he needs it. In
my experience, during those times I did serve him, he over time, served
me.
9. Be willing to have him sexually. Let him know you need his masculine presence, that you trust him fully.
10. Give him space. He needs times to find his new self (we change constantly) before he can give of himself.
11. Be vulnerable. Do not be afraid to share your fears and feelings.
Men tend to know when we’re keeping things from them. And they know
when we’re transparent. And, I can’t emphasize this more: acknowledge
your mistakes. Say you’re sorry when you know you need to.
12. Do not be afraid to be fully transparent. This builds great trust over time.
13. Find common hobbies, goals and dreams. Also, find common ground
in your faith. Never stop growing together. Laugh lots. Fall in love
over and over again.
14. Don’t let financial issues come between you.
15. Forgive. Don’t let history hold you or your man hostage.
16. Always, choose love. Love is action, not emotion. Don’t miss that.

My advice after a divorce following 16 years of marriage, by Gerald Rogers.
Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about
my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of
things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I
loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I
would have had ..........
1. Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER
EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you
promised to be that man that would OWN HER
HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred
treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget
that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.
2. Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to
being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same
vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a
special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your
wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and
refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.
3. Fall in love over and over again. You will
constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got
married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are
today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other
everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care
of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out
completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to
win her love just as you did when you were courting her.
4. Always see the best in her. Focus only on what
you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you,
all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love,
you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you
can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that
you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.
5. It’s not your job to change or fix her…
your job
is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And
if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or
not.
6. Take full accountability for your own emotions:
It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad.
You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that
your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.
7. Never blame your wife if you get
frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering
something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your
responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present
and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is
asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was
the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the
most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself,
you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever
were.
8. Allow your woman to just be. When she’s
sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and
let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s
important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The
feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her
emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging
she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S
UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going
anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and
emotion.
9. Be silly…
don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.
10. Fill her soul everyday…
learn her love languages
and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and
CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel
loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make
her feel like a queen.
11. Be present. Give her not only your time, but
your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear
your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat
her as you would your most valuable client. She is.
12. Be willing to take her sexually, to carry her
away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour
her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of
her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can
trust you fully.
13. Don’t be an idiot….
And don’t be afraid of being
one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too
big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not
supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.
14. Give her space… T
he woman is so good at giving
and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to
nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go
and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will
come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic
here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself,
ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get
re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the
kids and the world.)
15. Be vulnerable… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.
16. Be fully transparent. If you want to have trust
you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you
don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your
heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds…
Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your
darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need
to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will
never experience the full dimension of what love can be.
17. Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond
breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is
the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you
stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and
visions to work towards.
18. Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find
ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates
fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.
19. Forgive immediately and focus on the future
rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold
you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is
like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back.
FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.
20. Always choose love. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the
end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle
through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will
threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.
In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after.
It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to
continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity.
Through that work, the happiness will come. Marriage is life, and it
will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to
learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and
perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.
These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned
too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying
forward. Truth is, I loved being married, and
in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a
foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.
If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those
those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those
couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those
men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps
something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady
has been waiting for.
Though love is light it becomes darkness when its law
is not understood. Just as water, which cleans all things,
becomes mud when mixed with earth, so love, when not understood
rightly and when directed wrongly, becomes a curse instead
of bliss.
There are five chief sins against love, which turn nectar
into poison.
1) when the lover deprives the beloved
of freedom and happiness against her desire, because of
his love.
2) when the lover gives way to a spirit
of rivalry and jealousy or bitterness in love.
3)
if the lover doubts, distrusts, and suspects the one whom
he loves.
4) if he shrinks from enduring all the
sorrows, pains, troubles, difficulties, and sufferings that
come in the path of love.
5) And finally, when the lover pursues
his own will instead of complete resignation to the beloved's
wish.
These are the natural failings of a loving heart,
as maladies are natural to the physical body. As lack of
health makes life miserable, so lack of love makes the heart
wretched. Only the lover who avoids these faults benefits
by love, and arrives safely at his destination.
Love must be absolutely free from selfishness, otherwise
it does not produce proper illumination. If the fire has
no flame it cannot give light, and smoke comes out of it,
which is troublesome. Such is selfish love.
Love lies in service. Only that which is done, not for
fame or name, nor for the appreciation or thanks of those
for whom it is done, is love's service.
The lover shows kindness and beneficence to the beloved.
He does whatever he can for the beloved in the way of help,
service, sacrifice, kindness, or rescue, and hides it from
the world and even from the beloved. If the beloved does
anything for him he exaggerates it, idealizes it, makes
it into a mountain from a molehill. He takes poison from
the hands of the beloved as sugar, and love's pain in the
wound of his heart is his only joy. By magnifying and idealizing
whatever the beloved does for him and by diminishing and
forgetting whatever he himself does for the beloved, he
first develops his own gratitude, which creates all goodness
in his life.
Patience, sacrifice, resignation, strength, and steadfastness
are needed in love, and ultimately nothing but hope, until
one is united with the beloved. Sacrifice is needed in love
to give all there is, wealth, possessions, body, heart,
and soul. There remains no 'I', only 'you', until the 'you'
becomes the 'I'. Where there is love there is patience,
where there is no patience there is no love. The lover takes
hope the
only thing that keeps the flame of life alight. Hope to
the lover is the rope of safety in the sea.
The effect of love is pain. The love that has no pain
is no love. The lover who has not gone through the agonies
of love is not a lover, he claims love falsely. 'What love
is it that gives no pain? Even if one were crazy in love
it is nothing.' The pain of love is the lover's pleasure,
his very life. The lack of pain is his death.
Everybody can speak of love and claim
to love, but to stand the test of love and to bear the pain
in love is the achievement of some rare hero. The mere sight
of love's pain makes the coward run away from it. No soul
would have taken this poison if it had not the taste of
nectar.
He who loves because he cannot help it is the slave of
love, but he who loves because it is his only joy is the
king of love. He who, for the sake of love, loves someone
who falls short of his ideal is the ruler of love. And he
who can seal his heart full of love in spite of all attraction
on the part of the beloved is the conqueror of love.
The heart is not living until it has experienced pain. Man
has not lived if he has lived and worked with his body and
mind without heart. The soul is all light, but all darkness
is caused by the death of the heart. Pain makes it alive.
The same heart that was once full of bitterness, when purified
by love becomes the source of all goodness. All deeds of
kindness spring from it.
Rumi describes six signs of the lover: deep sigh, mild
expression, moist eyes, eating little, speaking little,
sleeping little, which all show the sign of pain in love.
Hafiz says, 'All bliss in my life has been the outcome of
unceasing tears and continual sighs through the heart of
night.'
The pain of love becomes in time the life of the lover.
The soreness of the wound of his heart affords him a joy
that nothing else can give. The heart aflame becomes the
torch on the path of the lover, which lightens his way that
leads him to his destination. The pleasures of life are
blinding, it is love alone that clears the rust from the
heart, the mirror of the soul.
When love is for the human being it is primitive and
incomplete, and yet it is needed to begin with. He can never
say, 'I love God,' who has no love for his fellow man. But
when love attains its culmination in God, it reaches its
perfection.
Love creates love in man and even more with God. It is
the nature of love. If you love God, God sends His love
evermore upon you. If you seek Him by night, He will follow
you by day. Wherever you are, in your affairs, in your business
transactions, the help, the protection and the presence
of the Divine will follow you.
" The soul feels suffocated when the doors of the heart are closed........"
There
is a door to man's heart; it is either closed or open. When he holds a
thing and says, 'This is mine,' he closes the door to his heart; but
when he shares his goods with others and says, 'This is yours as well as
mine,' this opens his heart. We must learn consideration for others; it
does not matter whether they are rich or poor. We may have only one
slice of bread, but when there is another sitting by our side we share
that slice with him.
By doing this, even if our bodily appetite remains
unsatisfied, our heart is filled with joy to think that we shared our
happiness with another. It is this spirit which is necessary just now to
change the condition of the world, not political and commercial
disputes. We must be awakened to the main truth, that the happiness and
peace of each can only be the happiness and peace of all.