Monday, March 12, 2012

~ Why You Feel Guilty ? ~

Ah, feeling guilty. It really does make we feel like a huge weight is on our shoulders the whole time, doesn't it?

I used to think my entire life was run by my feelings of guilt. Everything I did or thought seemed to be governed by how guilty I felt that day.

It also didn’t seem to matter what "it" was. I’d be feeling guilty about everything and anything. Either that I hadn’t done enough or that I’d upset people when I hadn’t meant to or even that I "should" have done something differently. I’d feel guilty about so many things and my life really did seem to be just reacting to one feeling of guilt after another.

It’s very draining and distressing living with a constant feeling of guilt. It also stops us from making the most effective and efficient decisions. In other words, we’ll end up making bad decisions simply because we’re reacting to those feelings of guilt.

So, where does guilt really come from and what causes it? And, how do we deal with feeling guilty all of the time?

I think feeling guilty comes down to basically 7 main reasons and usually you'll be dealing with not just one of these but actually a combination of them:

1. You feel guilty when you're trying to avoid something :

Guilt often comes from trying to avoid something. You don't want people to be mad at you, you don't want to let someone down, you don't want people to be upset because you did something.

To eliminate those feelings of guilt, it really helps if you can take a moment and ask yourself what are you thinking about? Are you thinking about what you don't want (people being mad, etc.) or what you do want? Once you focus on what you do want, then you can start thinking of actual solutions and work towards that. Usually, you'll find that as soon as you start that forwards motion, the feeling of guilt will go away.

Continuing to focus on how guilty you feel will only serve to keep you stuck feeling anxious and confused. I also find that as long as you're focused on the feelings of guilt, it doesn't matter what you do, you're going to feel guilty because that's what you're concentrating on. You'll keep thinking there's something else you should do or keep beating yourself up that you should have done more when you had the chance. You're focused on the guilt instead of the real situation.

If you turn your thoughts to focus on what you want and then ask yourself how can you achieve that, you're able to move forwards. You won't be stuck feeling like there's nothing you can do. You're able to take action which is one of the things that really helps to eliminate those guilt feelings. But, you're not just taking action to relieve your feelings of guilt, you're taking action to solve the real problem or situation.

2. Reacting to a situation instead of choosing your response:

A situation happens and without really thinking about it you react by feeling guilty.

How many times has something happened, and you just instantly think, "I shouldn't have done that" or "It's all my fault" or maybe "I should have known better". You feel guilty for what you've done.

I went through a situation recently where one of my kids was quite sick. I instantly felt guilty because I hadn't spent a lot of time with them recently. So, instead of really considering the situation and what I should do about it, I was suddenly trying to solve the issue of me feeling guilty for what I hadn't done in the past.

You'll notice that point #1 was also coming in to play in this situation in that at first, I was trying to avoid being seen as an uncaring mother .

What I really needed to do was to take the time to take a step back and think about how I wanted to respond to the situation in front of me. I made the decision that I did want to spend some time with them and once I'd done that then I could think of ways to achieve that. What was in the past needed to be left in the past. I needed to move forwards.

The good thing about this was that I could use my guilt as a sign of what I wanted to make as one of my priorities in life. It woke me up to the fact that I want to spend more time with my kids while I still have the chance. So, you can actually use your guilt to realize what changes you want to make in your life. In my case, it was spending time with my kids, but it might make you realize you want to be a better friend or that you want to be more professional in your job or just that you want to do things differently in the future. You use the guilt to make positive changes in your life.

Can you see how easily it is to get caught up in the feelings of guilt and to focus on that instead of the real issue?

Once you ask yourself if you're blindly reacting or calmly choosing how to respond to an event, then you'll be able to decide how you want to proceed. It goes a long way to being able to move past those feelings of guilt. You can think of real solutions. It's a subtle difference but it does make a huge difference. But, you're actually using the guilt instead of just beating yourself up over things that happened in the past.

3. Someone pushing your buttons:

feelings of guilt can push your buttons You feel insecure about a certain aspect of yourself (feel like you're not good enough for example) so when someone says something your emotions react to your inner doubts rather than what's real. So, once you figure out that area that needs to be healed it's far less likely that people will be able to push your buttons.

You're always going to come across those people who are absolute experts at making you feel guilty. They seem to be able to just pick up on what you feel insecure about. So, the trick is to ask yourself why it's making you feel guilty? What's the real issue deep down that's happening? Sometimes, it can be that it brings up a past event where you felt guilty because you hadn't done something then. So, instead of forgiving yourself and learning that you can change how you respond to similar situations, you just remember the guilt from the past.

What's really happening is that you're simply reacting to the other person's words. They don't make you mad or make you feel guilty. You do that yourself by responding to their words. They trigger a deep emotion in you. Once you figure out why you react a certain way to the other person, usually you can find an area within you where you feel less confident and maybe even quite insecure.

Once you deal with those feelings, then you'll notice the comments but you'll no longer react by feeling guilty. Often, even just the awareness of why you previously reacted to certain words will be enough to stop you from continuing to react in the future.

So, basically, sometimes feeling guilty is a sign of an area within you that needs to be looked at or healed. It's that awareness of why you react the way you do. What are the real feelings you're feeling when someone says something? (not good enough, no one will ever love you, not smart enough, etc.) It can actually turn out to be a gift because you can learn so much more about yourself and why you act and react the way you do.

4. Not Forgiving Yourself:

A big aspect of guilt can be because you simply don't allow yourself to make mistakes or you never forgive yourself for things that happened in the past.

Everyone makes mistakes. Every single person on this planet does but for some reason we tend to hold ourselves up to an impossibly high standard and think we should be immune from that.

Making mistakes is what makes us human and it's how we learn. You can learn better ways of doing things or it might even remind you of what your true priorities are. Even when things at first go horribly wrong, later you may realize what huge benefits you gained from going through the experience.

It's not always easy appreciating your mistakes but they truly can end up being the most incredible learning opportunities or the catalysts that end up causing huge leaps in mental and spiritual growth.

You also need to know that you made what you thought was the best decision with the facts you had at the time. You did the best you could. Learning that there are better ways to handle similar situations in the future may be a benefit of going through the situation but you didn't know that at the time.

But, these benefits can't happen if you don't forgive yourself and also allow yourself to make mistakes.

5. Conditioned Response:

Quite likely as you were growing up you learned certain things about the world. How about things like, “You should think of others before yourself” or that you’re selfish if you don’t instantly help people as soon as they ask.

These are beliefs that you’ve taken as truth and you’ve never taken the time to think about whether it’s a good thought for the situation in which you're currently involved.

For example, if you’re on an airplane and it’s just about to crash, your ingrained belief of helping others before yourself could be a disaster in that situation. It would be much more beneficial for you to remember what the flight attendants told you at the beginning of the flight and to put on your own oxygen mask first before you help others. But, you’re used to just reacting in a certain way when a situation occurs. You need to be aware of how you're reacting and why. Is it really the best response or are you doing it just because that's what you've always done?

So again, it comes back down to taking the time to really think about what's happening in the situation and not just blindly reacting.

6. The World "Should" Be A Certain Way:

This is one that causes a lot of grief. Hanging on to those "should's" no matter what makes things so much harder than it needs to be. You'll think something like, "I should have known better", "I shouldn't upset people", "I shouldn't make mistakes". Whenever you catch yourself saying "should" know that it's a clue to why you're in so much pain. Thinking the world should be a certain way is a waste of energy. It's the way it is.

When you catch yourself saying "should" about something, ask yourself how you would feel about the situation if you simply dropped that word? A lot of times, just by doing that, you'll suddenly feel so much better about the situation.

7. Anxiety and Fear:

This goes hand in hand with "#1 Trying To Avoid Something" but it’s a realization that you’re focusing on what you’re afraid of and what you fear will happen if you do or don’t do something. You allow your feelings of anxiety and fear take over your rational thought.

If you're aware of this, then it's easier to let go of all the "what if's...." worrying because you suddenly realize you're focusing on the wrong thing. Let those "what if's" go and concentrate on the real issue at hand without adding the fear of what might happen. If you can do that, then you'll suddenly find the situation is nowhere near as overwhelming as it first appeared. You'll also be able to stop those guilty feelings before they start.

Dealing With Feeling Guilty :

Learning how to deal with guilt comes down to understanding what's really happening behind your feelings of guilt. Once you do that, then you take control over your emotions and you choose how you want to respond. You won't be blindly reacting and finding that nothing you do eases your guilty conscience. This way, you rule your life, not your emotions and fear. You're also back to making the best decisions for you and those you interact with.

It really is a powerful moment when you see behind the simple emotion and realize that you were giving up your own power for no reason. No more feeling guilty, or at least, only for a few short moments until you discover what it's really trying to tell you. Use those emotion so you can confidently move forwards.

Emotions are so valuable if you take the time to listen to them. So, no more struggling with guilt. You now know how to use it to your advantage. Appreciate your feelings of guilt because they really can tell you a lot about what's really going on.

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