" True Love....................."

True Love ...............
(Sun, November 30, 2008 - 8:28 AM)



(By Kaleem Aziz)

In this world full of deception, most people are not ready to believe True Love exists. For most, True Love is a fantasy of a charming Prince and a beautiful Princess meeting in a garden and living happily forever. This document is an effort to show that True Love is so profound that it's complete definition is often not fully understood, and the fact that it is a very difficult path to tread upon. Also, this article makes an effort to show where most efforts fail, how to find the True Love and what the final accomplishment feels like. This document has been written after research by the author on how relationships work and fail. However, through this document, the only relationship of True Love is attended to.

What is True Love?

First things first. Most people do not understand the deep and profound meaning of True Love. True Love is one hundred percent dedication of the partners towards one another, and a commitment so strong that it goes for the life. It is the union of two souls which appears as two bodies to the world, but the partners feel themselves as one. True Love is not a one man show, but a team effort of trust, loyalty, security, dependability, love, emotions, dreams, aspirations, and commitments. No wonder, it is so difficult to accomplish!

Can I fall in True Love?

The answer to the question is based on the answer to yet another question: "What can you give to have this ultimate experience?" If you are ready to put an effort, do the needy, be ready to do your part of the 'team effort', and finally give your word and stay by it; then the answer is "Yes".

What does it take to fall in True Love?

Like life and death, True Love is a truth of nature. And like every truth, there are consequences associated with the path you decide to take. Just like life is led partly and partly it leads us; love is partly our effort and partly it dictates us - so be ready to expect the unexpected. There are essentially two qualities that are needed to see and feel the power of True Love in the lifetime:

> the capacity to love
> the right attitudes

As we proceed further into this document, you'll learn the profoundness of these two qualities. Though given as simple steps, do always bear in mind that a lot of emotions are involved, and that tough decisions need to be made. A goal like True Love is not always easy, and sometimes so difficult as to seem impossible. Bear in mind that while living is playing with your own life, True Love is playing with the future of two lives! So, it's not an easy ride; but the efforts on True Love are more than worth of the troubles and highly rewarding, when successful.

What should I be ready to take, when I go ahead with the search of True Love?

Be ready to take failure. This means, one should be ready to take rejection, hurt, pain, and still live on for a fresh search. A failure in this attempt has so much pain and agony, only one who has felt it may best describe. But bear in mind that if failure is so painful, so should the efforts at making it work be as strong! So, be ready to take difficulties, and fulfill your responsibilities to make this relationship work. If you are facing difficulties on the path of True Love, then it means it needs more fuel put in, more efforts to go in, more sacrifices to be made - by both the partners.

Are there different types of True Love?

A very good question. Yes! As a part of this research, love is not just between the opposite sex of two human beings. It has much broader definitions and implications. However, the explanation of this is beyond the scope of this document, though the contents and definitions of True Love remain the same.

Is there an example of True Love?

As people say, True Love is unconditional. True Love is loving one another for all the good and the bad of each partner. And it cannot be so weak as to break on the basis of a disagreement or argument. The best example of True Love is mother's love. It is unconditional, it is unbiased, it has seen difficulties, it has taken time to ripen, and it is two sided (who in the right mind doesn't love his/her mother?). A mother is like a tree that gives it's children everything from shade to firewood, all the time paying a high cost for the relationship; but does get enough out of the relationship to keep her contented.

I am dying to hear the qualities under "capacity to love"!

The qualities that sum up to capacity to love are:


Be ready to pay up:
The willingness to give something up to gain something. It is still better if one is a giver by nature, without seeking returns.


Be a team player:
The willingness to lose individuality to a certain extent, so as to be an excellent team player.


Be strong:
The strength to take the truth and the possible consequences. Don't blame your partner and others for the consequences. If sufficient reason says that the relationship will not work, then accept the fact. If you plan to be persistent, then attempt again!


Be lovable:
The willingness to adjust oneself to make others comfortable; that is, being considerate. Seek happiness of your partner before anything for yourself. Worry for your partner more than for yourself.


Be trustworthy:
Having sufficient self restraint, so as not to run behind the first man/woman that makes your heart beat uncontrollably.


Be ready to learn:
At each stage, you learn a new thing about life and love. Update yourself with the new knowledge. It is a plus if you are aggressive to acquire knowledge and wisdom.


Be patient:
The thought "life is running out" and being wacky about getting love in day should go! Don't rush, it never helps.


Be ready to expect the unexpected:
Life and love are similar on this one count that they often take us places, leading us to newer and newer discoveries and definitions about ourselves, life, truth, world, nature, love and universe.

The qualities that do NOT come under the capacity to love are:


> Physical beauty


> Social background, nationality, creed, traditions


> Sensuality

These factors do not affect True Love because love is a work of the hearts, which are not dependent on any of these factors.

And, what is the profound meaning of "right attitudes"?

The attitudes that one must have are:


The way to go:
Aim for success, but remember the consequences of failure.


One life, one love:
Make the first love work. On the other hand, True Love doesn't end by switching/losing the partner (can you disown your own mother?).


Let it grow and ripen:
True Love takes time to grow.


What love is not:
Crush, fascination, admiration, infatuation, marriage, friendship, sympathy, etc., are not synonymous to True Love. They often may be the starting points to work on.


Respect your partner's past:
The attitude to accept partner's previous relationships (if any) as a part of his/her life. Those experiences are the ones that made your partner what he/she is today.


Love has no bounds:
True Love is not bound or governed by region, religion, culture, color, age or social background. Nevertheless, these factors do affect longevity of the relationship, if not analyzed and understood before hand.


Allow enough breathing space:
Understand that enough liberty is to be available to each partner; in spite of the commitments. It is seen that the three major factors for the failure of relationships are:

Too much possessiveness, so as to cut out the freedom in each other's life.

Misunderstanding and misconception due to suspicion and insufficient interaction.

Unequal sense of responsibility or intensity of reciprocation. While one partner makes the sacrifices, the other makes no, or minimal, attempt to adjust.

The same is true of True Love as well.


The tests of one love cutting the path of other:
The biggest failure point is the weakest link. When one love challenges the other, this becomes the toughest time to make decisions. For instance, if parents' love were to challenge your partner's love, or vice versa - what would you do? The right attitude would be to take this as a test of love and work on it as a team.


Love is a game of emotions:
Know the fact that in war and love, it is the internal factors that cause more damage than the external factors. The thoughts, the emotions, and the memories are bigger factors to be dealt with; than the world getting together to separate the partners.


Clear misconceptions of approaching the partner wrongly:
True Love depends on mutual trust and mutual respect, rather than sensuality and the chemistry between the two bodies. True Love is way above carnal or material lust.


Be normal, not pretentious:
Seduction and flirting are ways to impress. And the bond so developed is weak. The day the mask falls off, the world around you will collapse. The progress to True Love, on the other hand, must be unpretentious.


A person is not simple to understand:
The understanding that every person is complex person due to his/her past experiences. To fall in True Love, each partner has to accept, and adjust to, the other's characteristics. A good exercise is to attempt to describe your partner in written words, and then you'll know how complex he/she is! Also, each person has a story, so do you. Know each other before you reach the stage of making commitments.


Let the emotions pave the path:
Love is not by measuring, but by letting the emotions do some guiding. And when you feel it, it is unwise to hide it.


Count your real assets:
Understand that in this world of deception and pretentiousness, your assets (like beauty or wealth) are working both in your favor and against you. A good test of love is to, sometime, try a situation where you are left with your qualities alone (without the assets), and look at the partner's response.


Know the foundation on which your love is built:
Have the attitude to look for stronger bonding factors between the partners. Qualities of the partner are often the best bet to keep the relationship running; rest all change. For instance, if love is based on admiration, then keeping your partner interested will be stressful.


Have a hold on yourself:
Strong self restraint so as not to go to the next person who appears appealing. This will help multifold in being trustworthy, keeping current relationship, and being able to use discretion.


Wait for the right one:
This is one of the most difficult thing to do. Indulge, and your chances of proving to the right one will be weaker! It is not sufficient to have the hope of finding the right one; have faith (i.e., blind hope) in that he/she is somewhere; only that he/she may not be looking.


Falling in love 'head over heals' is often not the right path to achieve True Love:
When you do not buy a car without testing, when you do not purchase a house without research; how can you trust your life in an unknown partner's hands? Being blind in love can give you one of the worst times of your life, when it doesn't materialize. Also, looks deceive, so don't be caught in this trap expecting True Love. Give your life to the most deserving person!


Anything may happen:
Love to a larger extent dictates what happens with you and your partner, rather than you deciding your next move. Have your mind ready for eventualities, and have the 'fight back' spirit as a team, against on-coming hurdles.

Some advice?

Here's a list of steps or guidelines to go ahead with True Love. Though they appear straight forward, it is a complex world to follow/fulfill them.


Searching for the right one:
Often True Love is not the result of searching, it's the result of being alert. It's important not to lose the right one, so be on the watch out at normal get-together parties, or social gatherings. In comparison the chances of finding the right one when both are searching is very rare.


Be difficult to fall in love, and don't let go once you find love:
The sooner you understand this, the better it is for the search of the right one.


Question your characteristics of ideal person:
Most young persons fumble several times before they realize that it's not what they are seeking to be happy. They speak of ideal characteristics in the opposite sex that'd please them, off the top of their mind. Whereas, in reality, they are very happy with a different set of characteristics in the opposite sex. Are you a victim of the same problem? Be realistic about your person when seeking ideal characteristics. The best advice is to seek a person with qualities; qualities that do not fade over time. Beauty, physical attraction, etc., are not the best qualities to go by.


First impression:
First impressions are in most cases wrong, but don't let that discourage you from knowing a person's true attributes. One must absolutely make the first step in order to work for the goal, and that's what you should think you are doing. Lose the right moment, and you'll have your life to repent for!


Your heart gives the signal:
Do you feel something for someone? It might just be the hormones, but also remember that these are the first indications for the birth of what will turn into love. Remember that it is not enough if you like one characteristic of the person - especially if he/she is a winner. So, know him/her better, if you have to give your heart to him/her in future.


Response from opposite side:
If the response from the person you are seeing is unequal, either try to make him/her believe of your interest; or give up. However, being persistent is the better option. Someday he/she will realize. He/she will give signals, especially through body language. Be alert to get this first-hand feedback. Depending on information from other sources, to decide whether he/she likes you or not, is not a very good thing to rely on. And, remember that even the dumbest ones understand, so don't think one should be an expert with the opposite sex to find True Love.


Check if you are being straight or pretentious:
Don't be over zealous about a person. And don't misrepresent yourself. However, due to anxiety a lot happens that isn't true. Time has it's ways to correct these, so be unperturbed.


The one you are seeing is too good to be true:
Watch out, for this may be due to your fascination; or the person you are seeing is a good actor or liar; or you are really lucky. Know which of this is the case; and again the time will tell.


Watch the actions, not what he/she says:
Words are insufficient, luring and deceptive. So are the actions. Observe your person of interest when he/she is normal and casual; and is not on his guard to be showy, or is miserable because he/she is in love with you. That's the best way of beating pretentiousness, sidelining incapability of communicating the right feeling, and getting to know him/her. Very few people can say how they feel, and much fewer people can stick to the tall claims they make when they are with you.


The past is as important as the present, in deciding the future:
When you are deciding your future with a new person, make a conscious attempt to know his/her past and background. What he/she says may not always be the truth, especially if you have lucrative assets. Knowing your partner involves knowing him in several of the things that he/she does, and knowing what made him/her the person he/she is today. If you cannot, then better go for someone with a highly compatible upbringing and background.


Question yourself of what the foundation of love is:
What do you think is (or are) the factor(s) for keeping you together this far? Do you think it is strong enough to live along? If not, try finding better ways to make this a stronger relationship. Weak relationships fade away before you realize. Have you and your partner proved yourself through difficulties?


Educate the partner:
When you are on the look out for Love, it is unlikely that the person who is your match is on the look out. Or it is quite possible that he/she has the characteristics but is not ready for it. Or does not understand what love with you means. This is the most common thing that happens to people who have not grown up together. Try educating him/her about love as you see it. This is a difficult phase, but have faith in learning; if you know he/she is the right one.


Be ready to learn and adjust:
It is impossible to get all the qualities in one person. Also, since you are educating your partner to your ways; be ready to be receptive to some learning yourself.


Don't rush into each other:
Everything takes time. So also, knowing your partner is not one day exercise.


Don't own each other:
Master-slave relationships are not setups for True Love. Remember that your partner has other things in life besides you, even if he/she loves you dearly. The rule of thumb is to keep your relationship as open as friendship, despite the commitments. Also, understand that the purpose of love is not possession of your partner. The intention should be care, welfare and happiness of your partner.


Understand the commitments, and stand up to it:
Falling out on responsibility is what gives scope for mistrust. Never do things that will crack your bond, if you are serious about the relationship. And don't take a forgiving partner too much for granted.


Difficulties are meant to strengthen love, not break it:
It is the love of the weaker souls who want to split when faced with difficulties. True Lovers cannot live without each other, so they try to work on the difficulties to solve them, together.


Prefer the love that comes your way:
Love is like a handshake. Take the hand forwarded to you. This way half the work is already done!


Be fair to each other:
Love is attained when someone finds you lovable. Love cannot be supplied on demand, no matter what the luring method used is. For eternal True Love, give and take love; nothing else works.


Don't run away from the society with your partner:
Though this is advisable if you'll be killed otherwise; it is best to proclaim your love. If you run away, you cannot be sure whether you'll be used and discarded by your partner, or will be with your partner forever. Running off from the society is an easier thing to do; but it doesn't prove the strength of your love.


Take parents' approval:
Don't underestimate the insight and wisdom of your parents. Things you cannot see are seen by them. Also, always remember that your parents love you too, and they want the best for you. So, your love and partner must go through their acceptance, to prove the truth of your love. This can sometimes be the big test of love (love cutting love). What will you keep and what are you willing to lose? If your partner deserts at this moment, having given you commitments; then forget him/her because he/she is not meant for you. Most partners can prove their love only till they are comfortable; and when the seat is hot, they give up. Seek for a partner who takes up humiliation or disrespect; yet has the guts to convince your parents that he/she is the right one for him/her. Such a partner will never leave your side. Also, sometimes, parents' skepticism about your partner may be attributed to their lack of knowledge about him/her. You may have to work as a team to educate them. As a rule of thumb, it is best not to indulge till you pass this step.


Keep the love you have won:
Falling in love is the small part; keeping it is much more challenging. As an analogy, falling in love is writing the qualification exam; and staying with each other happily is like going through the course for which you were qualified. It is a continuous process of give and take. You discover even more about your mate than you had known before. Let the relationship grow with every passing moment. Be aware of the venom of suspicion and jealousy in spoiling your relationship. Clearing misunderstandings by talking, and giving your partner the opportunity to correct are the best ways to keep a relationship running.


Love is love, even when you and your partner are physically apart: Love is possible when the partners are separated. And the intensity of love and trust does not go down with the separation; because the place in heart for the partner cannot be given up easily.


Love is love, even when you lose your partner: True Love does not cease to exist with the loss of the partner. Love is possible in memories. Love is possible in dreams. It is this fact of True Love that is most impressive.


One sided love is not love: It is a misconception that one-sided love is love. Can a handshake happen with only one hand?


Love, romance and sex:
Today's world makes them seem so synonymous. Infact, that is one reason why the love being described in this document had to have the name "True Love". Romance is the means to prophesize love. However, today, romance is a means to fool the mind of being in love, and an easy means to seduce/flirt. So also, sex is the means by which adults convey their trust and love; but in today's world, for some, it has no more meaning than pleasure, entertainment and fun. To those who are unaware, romance and sex when truly in love are experiences that those who indulge (without falling in love) can never experience or understand.

How does it feel to be in True Love?

It is much easier to say, "Fall in love and you'll know!" The intimacy, the trust, the capability to read each other, the dependability, the understanding, and the security each partner has for the other will make living a bliss. The stress of keeping the relationship will appear small in comparison to the pleasure gained. It'll seem like living is impossible without the other. The union of two hearts, two bodies and two souls; acceptance by the world, the struggles of the past, and the secure future, increase the love between the two. Everyday feels safe, every night is romantic and erotic; and it'll feel like life will never cease giving pleasures. Love teaches you how to be positive about life, how to help, how to be compassionate, how to respect others, how to be polite, how to develop the right attitudes and how to advise others about the right way to live. Dreams are pleasurable, there is fun in small things in life, world appears beautiful, your partner's face appears to glow like the sun, you'll feel like you are in heaven, you'll absolutely love living and will relish every moment you spend with the one you love. With your partner in arms reach, you'll feel nothing can go wrong, nothing can ever bog you down. You'll lose all track of time when you spend time with your partner. And when you have time to spare, the memories and thoughts of your partner occupy your mind -- consciously or unconsciously.

( A beautiful poem by Rumi will tell it all: )

A lover asked his beloved,

Do you love yourself more
Than you love me?

The beloved replied,

I have died to myself
And I live for you.
I've disappeared from myself
And my attributes.
I am present only for you.
I have forgotten all my learnings,

But from knowing you

I have become a scholar.
I have lost all my strength,

But from your power

I am able.
If I love myself
I love you.

If I love you

I love myself.